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I'll say this - nothing I say here is meant to condemn anyone. If you feel convicted, that's all between you and the Holy Spirit, my friend.
I know I just mentioned it, but it's definitely a shock to look at the state that I used to be in, and how much my life has transitioned.
I think there was way too much fear to talk about God, that is to say, in front of other Christians. It's true, that for some reason, the church (and those hurt by the church) seem to be a lot more judgmental than those on the outside. So, much of me would rather pass up the judgmental sessions with fellow Christians, rather than take the chance of talking up a Love relationship.
A friend did something at his college a few weeks ago - he stood up at his cafeteria and boldly proclaimed the love of God. And the people who confronted him were Christians. Oh, the non-Christians were saying things that commended his boldness. But the Christians were saying things like, "You shouldn't do that... you'd reach more people if you'd tone it down..." That, my friends, has been the reprimand I've seen in the church that's prevented me from being bold. It's that lie that, because the western world has been hurt by the zeal of the evangelistic church, Christians nowadays need to be quiet and relevant in order to reach this generation.
I made that mistake of falling into the trend of the relevant church.
Although I have my thoughts on the relevant church, I am not calling the relevant church completely ineffective, I am saying that I became a part of the relevant church because of fear - because I did not want people [aka, the Christian friends that I have, the people I know] to bash me for being a radical, for being a Jesus freak, for being so forward with the Truth. I became a part of the relevant church because I did not want to be opposed. I wanted to stay liked. I wanted to be on everyone's good side.
But watering down my beliefs only made me unstable. And what good did I do to help the harvest by being a relevant Christian? Honestly? Did I bring people to the saving Love of Jesus by being relevant? No! The only thing that being a relevant Christian did was justify my lifestyle. It made it okay for me to indulge in the pleasures that the rest of society does. It made it acceptable for me to saturate myself into culture and all the glorified idols of self and infidelity and aesthetics. I did not expand the Kingdom by being relevant. It only made me able to stand beside the world, and look no different.
In the end, what will matter is the fruit. Do we pick our church because it will take us where we want to go, or are we really surrendered to where He wants us to go? Does what we do bear fruit?
I didn't bear any fruit. I wasn't a vessel that caused anybody to want to yearn for Christ. In fact, I didn't even bear fruit that edified myself. (Again, I am not directing this at the relevant church - this is my personal story). I was just another humanist with a God I could call on whenever I needed a boost. I wasn't sold out to Him. I didn't surrender everything, I didn't say He could have it all. Maybe He had my heart, but He didn't have my mind. He had my Sunday but He didn't have my Friday night. He had my closet prayer but He didn't have my sidewalk conversations. He had my journal entries but He didn't have my spoken poetry. He was my resting, but He wasn't in my dreaming. He was my breathing, but He wasn't my living. He was my song, but He wasn't my worship. He was an idol, He was not my God.
My life is different now. I am definitely not the same KitKat anyone knew three-or-whatever years ago. I'm in a relentless pursuit of Him. And it will cost me. If He took away my talent, my hands, my sight, my voice.. If He took away the people who are closest to my heart, if He asked me to stay single, if He told me to do the most radical things in the world, if He told me to love my neighbor, if He told me to say sorry, or even to forgive... Like David said, I will not offer something to God that didn't cost me anything. This is going to cost me. But I am ready, and I am willing.
I am purging my life - not because of religious demand, but as a freewill offering to God..
"This is no sacrifice, here's my life."
I will never be the same.
I'm finally going to speak aloud.
xo
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| i took some time to read some previous entries. i laughed, i sighed, i cried.
and i wonder what God thought of me, in my restless search for Truth,
what He thought of me when I claimed to be a Christian, and was a great liar,
and how much He's loved me regardless.
Who am I?
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| we've created an ecosystem that feeds this performance-based mentality, managing to secure ourselves in our productivity levels. we surround ourselves with others who lean on our capabilities and who share our opinions (because we know that anyone who does not share our opinion threatens our ability to concoct creative ideas). if someone does oppose us, we either refuse completely, or we manipulate the person into siding with us. after all, we feel security in having control; apparently, submission - or even learning something of opposing opinion - is bad commentary on our minds. we take enjoyment when others come to us with their problems because we feel valuable when we are "fixing" others. it makes us feel like we have it together. and in any case, involving ourselves with other people's problems (or staying busy altogether, re: performance-based mentality) keeps us pre-occupied. we like to stay busy because once we stop, we realize all the ugly stuff inside of us that needs to be taken care of. and we don't like that. we then can derive that when we feel unsuccessful, we like to form camaraderie with other unsuccessful people, because we begin to validate each other: "it's cause i'm female. or i'm male. it's because i'm asian. white. black. poor. old. young. it's the government's fault. it's the church's fault. it's our parents' fault. it's pop culture. apathy. stupidity. the dumb missouri weather" we like to wallow in stagnant rant, and that's why we feel uncomfortable around people who don't excuse themselves or give reason for anything - not their progress, or lack thereof. in fact, we'll reduce these people to our size because we suck our significance out of what we assume they think about us. we try to hold their attention with over-exaggeration, exuberance, even lies. we start fires that they will run to. we play the victim, the underdog, the whatever. we forget who we were created to be.
and it doesn't matter whose fault it is, the fact is, if we're already in this state of being, it's time to fix it. blaming our histories won't solve anything. we can't point at the previous generation, our family situations, our society, or anything else we've been "born into." nehemiah wasn't at fault but he pleaded forgiveness for the sins of his forefathers. and that's the same with us, regardless of what started it all, we can only change what we take responsibility for.
it comes back to the fact that we form our identities not off of who we think we are, but who we think the most important person in our life thinks we are. and if we don't absorb the truth that God loves us, or understand who we are in Him, we'll magnetize ourselves to the possible thoughts of other people toward us... even if they're probably not taking all that time to think about us at all.
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| i don't overthink a lot of things anymore.
looking back at the things i dreamt for, worried about, or planned out - all the possibilities ran around my head, but in the end, i take only one path. thinking takes up way too much of my time and heightens my nerves for no reason. it's a beautiful feeling: contentment, faith, trust, dependency, assurance, confidence... all merged into a comforting promise that my heart is secure.
and i don't wish that i had these realizations sooner (foremost because that would be called "regret"), because that would be very weak of me to desire wisdom without having to go through the experiences. absolutely weak. and i can only call myself "strong" because He IS strong - His strengths are made perfect in my weaknesses. else, i have no place to talk about endurance, peace, or even joy!
i would like to say that i'm writing this because i'm at a point in my life where i have to make a lot of "big" decisions, but i suppose every decision is a big decision. every action has a reaction (ever drive and think "wow, if i'd've left the house just ONE minute earlier, I could've caught that green light"?). Nonetheless, yes, it is that time where these decisions have a lot more obvious consequences. 5W+H: who are the primary influences in my life, and who do i open myself up to? what am i going to invest time and interest in (things i allow into my system, as in music, films, literature, health choices, etc. as well as the things i say, the things i create)? where am i called to? when do i pursue, when do i wait? how am i going to get the end result?
but again, i'm secure. i'm not worried. i'm content about being faithful today with the things He knows i can handle, then repeating the same step tomorrow with each increase of endurance.
basically, it's that "what do you want to do with your life?" question.
and i can tell you this much, i honestly could care less if i ended up working with art or media, because what matters most to me is a life of worship. Intimacy. Pouring out my heart to Him, and having Him tell me His own secrets, knowing His heart, His desires. And me not hiding behind anything. Honesty, desire, love manifest.
what gift do you give to a person who is absolutely content with what he or she owns? well if you already mean the world to that person, sometimes presence is enough of a gift. more than enough.
i'm already horrible at gift-giving material things, and i can never think of what to do. but i'm okay with that because the reality is, what is happening or what is given is less important to me than just being with a person - i know that is a definite truth about myself.
i mention that paragraph because intimacy with my God is the priority in my life. that's probably the only thing i'll ever really know about myself. i can't make a lot of solid decisions by overthinking where to go or what to do and when to leave, but God can take care of that. He can say "let's go to this country" or "let's work on this project." i trust Him. and i do treat Him as an omnipresent Lover, it even stems off to "let's listen to this music" or "let's do this in your free time" or "let's go talk to these people." He makes a lot of good recommendations. But a good number of times, i look at Him like, "are You serious?" often times i'd rather not do this or that, then i get dumb and do something that gets me stuck in a hole He's nice enough to pull me out of. Human nature, of course. I throw up my hands and give Him the OK to make the decision this time.
And you know, it doesn't matter what ends up happening. As long as He's with me, my joy is complete. | | |
| i danced with the maker of the sky
a glide on a cirrus cloud
a quiet smile, a blush between laughter
and where i would typically cover my head in shame,
i lifted my eyes to lock a gaze with my Adonai
my feet are not swift,
my limbs are not graceful
my countenance less than fair
but He is beautiful
and i love Him,
despite- me.
xo
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